Meet the Homewrecker
I always heard those stories about a married person, usually a man, meeting a younger woman and subsequently ruining his family life to be with her. I would usually roll my eyes, thinking how in the world could someone be so stupid? Who would give up the socioeconomic stability of a years-long marriage for a passionate love affair? Then it happened to me. And it didn't happen where I was the doting wife who got cheated on like I always suspected might happen to me one day. No, you see, I am the home wrecker.
I know. I'm the villain in this story. But just try see it from my point of view. No one ever tries to see it from this vantage point. Many people would say I'm the villain; I'm not just saying that as some sort of twisted ego boost. My ex husband certainly would cast me as the villain - and with good reason. I see that, now, from his perspective. And I understand. My partner's wife definitely sees me as the villain - letting me in when their relationship was polyamorous with the guarantee of her always holding the permanent trophy wife position - only to have us declare our desire to belong only to each other.
Yep, I'm the home wrecker. First I wrecked my own marriage, then I wrecked his. I'll own it. Objectively I am a horrible person. But bad people have hearts. I am inherently, desperately human. My heart breaks and mends on a nearly daily basis as my capacity for empathy seems to know no bounds. Yet, with all this hurt in my heart, I can't seem to stop destroying the world around me. It's why I'm a pacifist, an artist, a hippie. I crave peace, creation, and abounding love. Yet somehow everywhere I go, some kind of chaos and damage follows me.
But I really do want things to be different. Maybe I can start over. Maybe we can start over together. I have found the one my soul loves. Every cell in me aches when he is gone. I cry myself to sleep on the nights I do not have his body wrapped around mine. I long for the feeling of his hand in mine as we drive to the grocery store for late-night mochi. Nothing has ever felt like this before. The companionship, the matched sense of humor, the incredible sex... Oh god, the sex.
I want it to be just us.
My greatest fear in life has always been old age. I've always been terrified at the idea of spending decades upon decades upon decades on this shitty planet. Turns out... I just never had a good reason to stick around. I mean, I had reasons. But none ever good or long-lasting enough to justify 70+ years. Now... now I think it may be a different story. I'm still scared shitless about getting older and everything that entails. But now... now I think, at least I don't have to do it alone.
Yes, I'm the home wrecking whore who's convincing this stable, 40-something-year-old man to leave his unhappy, pregnancy-forced marriage of 19+ years for a 26-year-old hippie with tattoos and (until recently) purple hair. So judge me. Everyone else does.
But I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of destroying. I want to build something. I want to be full of love and joy. Maybe this could finally be it.
I know. I'm the villain in this story. But just try see it from my point of view. No one ever tries to see it from this vantage point. Many people would say I'm the villain; I'm not just saying that as some sort of twisted ego boost. My ex husband certainly would cast me as the villain - and with good reason. I see that, now, from his perspective. And I understand. My partner's wife definitely sees me as the villain - letting me in when their relationship was polyamorous with the guarantee of her always holding the permanent trophy wife position - only to have us declare our desire to belong only to each other.
Yep, I'm the home wrecker. First I wrecked my own marriage, then I wrecked his. I'll own it. Objectively I am a horrible person. But bad people have hearts. I am inherently, desperately human. My heart breaks and mends on a nearly daily basis as my capacity for empathy seems to know no bounds. Yet, with all this hurt in my heart, I can't seem to stop destroying the world around me. It's why I'm a pacifist, an artist, a hippie. I crave peace, creation, and abounding love. Yet somehow everywhere I go, some kind of chaos and damage follows me.
But I really do want things to be different. Maybe I can start over. Maybe we can start over together. I have found the one my soul loves. Every cell in me aches when he is gone. I cry myself to sleep on the nights I do not have his body wrapped around mine. I long for the feeling of his hand in mine as we drive to the grocery store for late-night mochi. Nothing has ever felt like this before. The companionship, the matched sense of humor, the incredible sex... Oh god, the sex.
I want it to be just us.
My greatest fear in life has always been old age. I've always been terrified at the idea of spending decades upon decades upon decades on this shitty planet. Turns out... I just never had a good reason to stick around. I mean, I had reasons. But none ever good or long-lasting enough to justify 70+ years. Now... now I think it may be a different story. I'm still scared shitless about getting older and everything that entails. But now... now I think, at least I don't have to do it alone.
Yes, I'm the home wrecking whore who's convincing this stable, 40-something-year-old man to leave his unhappy, pregnancy-forced marriage of 19+ years for a 26-year-old hippie with tattoos and (until recently) purple hair. So judge me. Everyone else does.
But I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of destroying. I want to build something. I want to be full of love and joy. Maybe this could finally be it.
Thanks for your candor. I hope you get what you want and I hope everybody heals. I've been through divorce and subsequent breakups. They were all painful but everyone involved is okay now. I hope they're all happy too. I like your blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kindness!
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