Surviving

Apparently my first post was taken & manipulated into some sort of manifesto instead of read as it was intended - my brain just needing to process my crazy life. So chill out, people, and calm the fuck down. I’m not out trying to ruin anyone’s life.

In real life, does the guy ever leave his wife for the side piece? Course not. Yet somehow I’m still filled with hope because this is love, & love is more powerful than logic when it comes to understanding your own scenario. I tell myself every day that goes by and I fall deeper and deeper in love with this man, the stupider I will look when he leaves me all alone to go back to his  miserable marriage.

We sure make each other cry a lot for two people who claim to make each other so very happy.  All we can talk about recently is how messed up this all is. I just want to go back to being happy & in love & before she poisoned everything for us. Before she manipulated her kids into thinking their dad was going to abandon them. Before it got to the point where I just simply wanted to die than put up with her bullshit anymore.

Last night I knocked on a relative stranger’s door, the guy in the apartment next to me. He looked at me, confused, and didn’t say anything. And then I just lost it. I cried like I haven’t in a really long time. And he let me cry, & didn’t make me talk about why. He let me hand over all my knives & meds & promised to hold onto them until I was able to work through this driving need to end my life because it would just make the whole thing so damn easier if I wasn’t around to fuck it up anymore.

That’s how alone I am. I asked a stranger for help not to kill myself. I hate to think what would’ve happened had he not answered the door.

So fuck you for making everyone so goddamn miserable.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Surviving, Part 2

Hey, it's me.  Still here.  Not dead yet. Though it's been touch and go for the past week or so. Twice I've tried to end my life in the past week.  Twice. Twice I was all alone. But fuck it, I'm still here, much to the disappointment of some of you out there.  But maybe not so much to others.  And that's why I'm still here. I'm not lying when I say my neighbor saved my life the other night.  My dog saved my life too.  Sometimes he's the only reason I'm still alive.  I can't imagine him all alone or in someone else's care.  I don't care if it sounds stupid to you - he's my baby.  I rescued him once, and he's rescued me countless times over the past five years. So here I am.  Adjusting to upped doses of current meds and the addition of a new one.  Amazing how expensive it is to stay alive. Back to the psychiatrist again next week to figure out how to stay alive a little longer. One breath at a time.  Somehow ...
Read more

What's the Point

At one point in my life, I had everything mapped out.  I was going to get an education, get married, have kids, be a stay-at-home mom, be a homeschool teacher, the whole deal.  And for many years, that plan seemed like what I truly wanted, and I stuck with it.  I got my degree.  I got married in between junior and senior year of college, I got pregnant, and then... then it all changed.  One miscarriage for a healthy woman in her 20s, not entirely unusual.  Two?  A little weird.  Shake it off.  Try again.  Three?  There was something wrong with me.  And that's when I began to question everything.  Did I actually even want kids?  Did I actually even like the subject I got my degree in?  Did I even love my husband? Not sure, not really, and no. So began my journey of self-discovery and discovery of the world around me.  You see, I lived an extremely sheltered life during my childhood and even through co...
Read more

Meet the Homewrecker

I always heard those stories about a married person, usually a man, meeting a younger woman and subsequently ruining his family life to be with her.  I would usually roll my eyes, thinking how in the world could someone be so stupid?  Who would give up the socioeconomic stability of a years-long marriage for a passionate love affair?  Then it happened to me.  And it didn't happen where I was the doting wife who got cheated on like I always suspected might happen to me one day.  No, you see, I am the home wrecker. I know.  I'm the villain in this story.  But just try see it from my point of view.  No one ever tries to see it from this vantage point.  Many people would say I'm the villain; I'm not just saying that as some sort of twisted ego boost.  My ex husband certainly would cast me as the villain - and with good reason.  I see that, now, from his perspective.  And I understand.  My partner's wife definitely sees me as...
Read more